The air is tainted with unnatural fumes of grease, wood, and burnt electrical tape. Oil slicks stain the floor. Thick wooden shelves sag unnervingly close to buckling under the weight of old house paint and power tools. A workbench lies buried beneath papers, rulers, cans, and metal shards. An uncomfortable growl pours from the water heater.

* 用5個(gè)句子構(gòu)建場(chǎng)景。注意視覺(jué)與聽(tīng)覺(jué)元素的構(gòu)建。注意鋪天蓋地的動(dòng)詞、名詞。

Most people wouldn’t describe my grimy garage as pleasant, but I love spending my free time here.

* 筆觸回到自己身上。

It’s where I built a 2 ft trebuchet in sixth grade, a 4 ft trebuchet in seventh grade, and plan to build an 8 ft trebuchet this winter break.

* 不經(jīng)意冷艷原則：從六年級(jí)一直到今天，體現(xiàn)出“持續(xù)不斷”的要義。注意數(shù)字細(xì)節(jié)。

It’s where I built a battlebot and slapped an Arduino microcontroller on top to give it intelligence. Ever since I sat watching jets shake the sky and explosions rock the screen in the movie?Iron Man?as a stunned sixth grader, I’ve spent weekends experimenting in my garage, trying to learn everything I can about engineering and robotics.

* 注意鋼鐵俠元素的第一次出現(xiàn)，后文還會(huì)出現(xiàn)

第二段：

Sure, outside of my garage I love wildlife and hiking, history, and weird foods. I love classic rock, jazz, and maybe even secretly Katy Perry. Nevertheless, I’ve always had a life plan centered on robotics: go to a great college, learn robotics, build robots, get a Bernese mountain dog, and live happily ever after in a beautiful forest home.

* 作為“人”的一面：除了在車(chē)庫(kù)里動(dòng)手之外的其它的個(gè)人愛(ài)好。很多中國(guó)同學(xué)寫(xiě)“高大上”夢(mèng)想寫(xiě)上癮了之后，幾乎忘了自己作為人有趣的一面。這個(gè)在西方價(jià)值觀中尤為重要。

第三段：

It seems strange that I’ve committed myself to robotics so easily despite my many interests, but in reality, robotics combines nearly all of them. Computer science, electrical engineering, and mechanical engineering are crucial to the robot, but combine them with biology, astronomy, music, or ecology, and that’s when robotics becomes amazing. I could help the sick with robots that give surgeons more dexterity while operating. I could help the poor with affordable, robot-made products. I could aid the elderly, replace the limbs of wounded warriors, and keepfirefighters?from harm’s way, all with robots. Although these robots may not be the crimson and gold?Iron Man?suit that first got me interested, I love the realistic and heroic possibilities in the field of robotics.

* 此段寫(xiě)明申請(qǐng)者Demonstrated academic interest是什么—喜歡機(jī)器人。為什么對(duì)機(jī)器人情有獨(dú)鐘？一部分是因?yàn)榭梢阅依ǜ鱾€(gè)學(xué)科知識(shí)，一方面對(duì)社會(huì)有諸多貢獻(xiàn)。每個(gè)人都會(huì)難免寫(xiě)到自己學(xué)習(xí)**學(xué)科的出發(fā)點(diǎn)和動(dòng)機(jī)。如果這個(gè)段落處理不好的話，很容易讓人覺(jué)得虛偽。解決的方案 ，就像作者一樣，把大而空的夢(mèng)想，逐條逐條具體化、個(gè)人化。鋼鐵俠元素再度出現(xiàn)——正義的化身。

第四段

Almost as exciting as imagining the robots I could build, is imagining where I could build them. I could become a professor and research?cutting-edge?A.I. algorithms. I could become an entrepreneur and bring my creations to market. I could even become an employee for a tech company and devote myself to its latest innovations. Maybe next year around this time, I will even be studying on?the Freshman Quad. With the?LCSR robotics lab, the minor in robotics, a?top-notch engineering?program, a beautiful campus,?incredible seafood, and what the visiting admissions counselor described as a “vibrant a cappella scene,” Johns Hopkins will both make college fun and satisfy my inner nerd. But for now, I will go on working in my garage, competing for space with the family car.

* 換一下角度。假設(shè)你也想申請(qǐng)JHU，你會(huì)怎么寫(xiě)這個(gè)段落？會(huì)不會(huì)長(zhǎng)成這樣：“This is the primary reason why I would like to choose JHN. JHU offers the top-notch engineering program that enables me to study cutting-edge courses in the field.”

如果跟上段比較，表達(dá)內(nèi)容的似乎是一樣的，但是就是達(dá)不到效果。問(wèn)題在什么地方？

關(guān)鍵在于主語(yǔ)！范文多以“I”為主語(yǔ)，而你寫(xiě)的段落，則以“School”為主語(yǔ)。看似是一個(gè)表達(dá)的錯(cuò)位，但背后體現(xiàn)的邏輯卻不一樣。前者是“我想要這些，你們恰好能給我”，后者則是“你們有這些，恰好滿(mǎn)足我需要”。哪個(gè)更主動(dòng)，一目了然。

關(guān)于學(xué)校的生活設(shè)施，比如圖書(shū)館、校園環(huán)境等等，可以提及，但無(wú)需大段的鋪陳。以前曾經(jīng)有學(xué)生的一篇why school文，作者用了1/3的篇幅在寫(xiě)自己如何喜歡學(xué)校的住宿安排，因?yàn)樗J(rèn)為作為獨(dú)生子女，他能在混宿中結(jié)交更多的朋友——這并沒(méi)有錯(cuò)，但是學(xué)校自然更希望看到你作為學(xué)生一面如何能適應(yīng)他們的文化。看范文，輕巧地提到了美麗的校園環(huán)境、好吃的海鮮，最后落腳點(diǎn)還是自己的學(xué)業(yè)追求。